Tag Archives: stress reliever

5 Ways to get into the Zen of Caregiving

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purity of the zen massageI have caregiver burnout. I cared for my husband, who had Alzheimer’s disease, for 10 years. Before that I flew back and forth from Colorado to Florida whenever one of my parents had a health crisis (which was frequent). My daughter just had a baby, and I’d love to be there for her, but my mother has pneumonia and congestive heart failure. I am torn between helping my daughter and her beautiful, young family, and my elderly failing mother. I am flying to Florida for a few days and then back to Colorado. And I will probably be doing this again in the coming month. I tell myself, “you need to take care of yourself. You need to keep your head above water.” Easier said than done. But I learned a lot during the course of my husband’s illness. I know how important it is to meditate, do yoga, dance and eat and sleep well.

Caregiving is a huge challenge, and it’s very easy to let the responsibility of caring for an ill friend or relative become a yoke around one’s neck. But with practice and mindfulness it can turn into a spiritual practice. How?

  1. When you wake up in the morning let your first thought be, “I’m going to have a great day. It will be filled with joy and laughter, and I will maintain equanimity.” Be grateful for your ability to see, hear, walk, and serve your loved one. Other affirmations that you might like: I will remain calm and present throughout the day. I welcome peace, trust, and acceptance into my life. I’m feeling strong and healthy today. I am a kind, compassionate caregiver.
  2. Instead of reacting with anxiety or impatience to a stressful situation or annoying behavior such as constant complaining, asking the same question repeatedly, pacing up and down the hall, stop and breathe. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Do it again, and again. Now stop and ask yourself how you feel? Not too bad. Stretch your arms straight up towards the ceiling. Lower them and do it again, one at a time. Roll your head gently to the right and then to the left, and then slowly in a circle. Look to your right, center and then to the left. Take another deep breath and let it out slowly. Feel your body relax.
  3. Focus on the present. Instead of worrying about taking your loved one to a doctor’s appointment and anticipating how he or she will react or what news you will hear, put your attention on something beautiful—inside your home or out the window. If the sky is blue, appreciate its beauty. Listen to the birds singing and appreciate the miracle of their song. Look at a painting on the wall and really look at the colors, the brush strokes, and the image. Imagine the spark that inspired the artist during the creative process, and let it inspire you to get through the day while maintaining a positive outlook.
  4. Light a candle and have your care partner sit down next to you. Enjoy the glow, letting it calm your nerves. Match your breathing to your care partner’s and find your peace.
  5. Keep a journal. It’s a wonderful, easy way to get your concerns, fears, hopes, and dreams out without relying on your therapist or best friend. Use a writing prompt to get you going such as “I never thought. . . . It’s so hard to . .. “I’ll always remember . . .

These are just a few things that can ease the stress of caregiving. Have courage; find strength from the simple things.

10 Things to Remember if You Love a Person with Dementia

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Mother and daughter

Daughter caring for her mother

It’s sometimes hard to love a family member who has dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. People with dementia can be quarrelsome, uncooperative, negative, whiney, belligerent or combative. They might get their nights and days mixed up, pace the floor for hours, wring their hands non-stop, or cry like a baby. They might ask you the same question twenty times in a row, refuse to budge when you need to get them to an appointment, or refuse to eat what you’ve made for dinner.

When the going gets tough, it helps to remember that you love the person who resides inside that body that is tight and tense and inflamed from amyloid plaque that has strangled the neurons and disrupted the neurotransmitters that allow thoughts to flow and emotions to stay even. He or she is the same person you married, the same loving parent who nurtured and guided you, the same sibling you shared holidays and outings with, or the same friend who offered a should to cry on or who helping you move to a new home.

When you’re about to lose it, walk out, or hide in the closet, stop for a moment and remember at least one of these 10 things about the person you lovingly take care of.

People with dementia and Alzheimer’s often feel:

  1. Embarrassed when you say, “ I just told you . . ..” Instead of reminding them that they forgot what you told them a second ago rephrase it, breaking it down into a simple sentence . . . or completely change the subject.
  2. Fearful because they don’t see things spatially the same way we do. Their sense of space is distorted and their vision gets skewed, not because there is something physically wrong with their eyes. But rather, the brain interprets what the eyes see, and when the brain doesn’t work right our perception gets distorted. Two things you can do to help are to put extra lights in dark areas of the living quarters and remove throw rugs in order to reduce falls.
  3. Lonely because they can’t communicate well, or some of their friends have “jumped ship.” Set up times for family or friends to visit or take your loved one on an outing.
  4. Confused because they don’t understand why they can’t drive anymore, or why they can’t go for a walk alone, or why they can’t remember where they live or what their son’s or daughter’s name is.
  5. Angry because the keys to the car have been taken away, or because they get frustrated when they can’t express their feelings or thoughts.
  6. Sad because they can’t read a book or newspaper, or can’t manage to engage in their favorite hobby or sport.
  7. Anxious because they can’t move as fast or get dressed by themselves or put on their shoes easily. Or, because they hear sounds that are disturbing or are bothered by someone else’s behavior.
  8. Nervous because they have lost their sense of balance and feel unsteady on their feet. Or because they don’t like the feel of water on their skin and don’t want to bathe and don’t want to be forced.
  9. Frustrated because they can’t write a check, figure out how much tip to leave, or remember how to use the TV remote control.
  10. Paranoid because they think someone is stealing their money or prized possessions.

When all else fails, take a deep breath and put on some music. It almost always uplifts the spirit—for both the caregiver and the person being cared for.

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The loneliness of caregiving: How to stay socially connected

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Closeup of old woman hands holding mobile phone

Woman with mobile phone

My husband had younger-onset Alzheimer’s disease. The hardest thing for me during the duration of his illness was that I lost my companion. He was the person I made important decisions with. The person I went to movies with, ate dinner with, had interesting conversations with, traveled with, and shared delight with over the accomplishments of our children. He was the one I could complain to if I had a headache, stomach ache, or sore throat, without worrying about being called a hypochondriac or a baby. He was also the person who always cheered me on when I succeeded in achieving my goals.

When it came time to make the decision to move him to a memory care home, I especially missed having him help me decide on which room he’d live in, what type of furniture to buy, and the mattress he would sleep on. When it came time to bury him, it was agonizing for me to choose the plot of land where he would be laid to rest, and where I will be eventually interred.

During my many years of caregiving, I would often hide behind a mask of cheerfulness. It helped. I didn’t feel like a prisoner because I hired people to take my husband out to see a movie. Several of his friends kindly took him to lunch on a regular basis. It takes an effort to maintain friends and to stay socially involved, especially if you no longer work outside the home.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t let my husband’s disease ruin my life. I kept an active calendar filled with dance classes, lunches with friends, and even pursued a certificate in nutrition–all the while he was ill.

But it took planning and some might think I was a bit selfish. But when you look at the grand picture of caregiving, taking care of your personal needs is anything but being selfish. Studies show that 40 to 70 percent of family caregivers experience symptoms of clinical depression. One of the reasons, besides the daily stress, is isolation and loneliness.

Now for the lecture part: If you are a caregiver it is vital that you maintain a social network. Here are some ideas:

  • Stay connected with friends and family either through Facebook or another social media outlet, or by telephone or email, etc.
  • Make a lunch date with a friend at least once a week.
  • Many places of worship offer support for caregivers and families, including social events.
  • Go to a class—any kind of class: knitting, dance, weight training.
  • Join a support group—The Alzheimer’s Association offers classes and workshops for caregivers and for the person with memory loss.
  • Ask your friends and family for respite care. Have someone come over for a couple of hours a week so you can at least get out for a walk or go grocery shopping.
  • Go to the movies with a friend. It’s a great way to escape into another world for a few hours.
  • Call a best friend who is happy to talk; call someone who makes you laugh–laughter is truly the best medicine.
  • Bring your loved one to a Memory Cafe/Alzheimer’s Cafe. The challenges of living with memory loss can sever social connection at a time when it is needed most. Throughout the US and Europe, this casual social meeting is for caregivers and their care partner (the person they are caring for). Memory Cafes offer a way to socialize, explore art, music, poetry and listen to discussions and presentations. A Dutch psychologist opened the firs Memory Cafe in Holland. today there are about 200 Memory Cafes in the U.S.
  • Chat online with other caregivers. The Alzheimer’s Association offers chat rooms and so does the American Cancer Society. Check Elder Care Online for chat room and caregiver forum links. ElderCare Online’s Caregiver Support Network brings together online resources, groups and experts to create a virtual community dedicated to improving quality of life for you and your loved ones.

Breathe easy exercises for relaxation

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The other morning I woke myself up laughing because of the ridiculous dream I was having. I was asked to write a list of what I do to relieve stress. At the top of the list I wrote “hose down the house.” Hosing down the house during the summer might be a good way to cool off, but it wouldn’t be at the top of my list of stress relievers.  It was a funny dream and an even funnier way to wake up.

But who am I to say what is the best stress reliever. If you have something that works to reground and recenter yourself, by all means do it. . . unless it harms your body or psychology, i.e. drinking, doing recreational drugs, pigging out on unhealthy foods, etc.

Here are some breathing exercises that work for me, and have worked for millions of other people.

Breathing is something most of us take for granted.  In fact, the average person breathes 1,261,440,000 (one and a quarter billion) times in a lifetime without thinking about it.  Breathing is so vital to your overall health and well being that Dr. Andrew Weil, best-selling author, educator and practicing M.D. says: “If I had to limit my advice on healthier living to just one tip, it would be simply to learn how to breathe correctly.”

“Slow, deep breathing is probably the single best anti-stress medicine we have, ” says James Gordon, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Georgetown University School of Medicine and director of the Center for Mind-Body Medicine in Washington.”  When you bring air down into the lower portion of the lungs, where oxygen exchange is most efficient, everything changes.  Heart rate slows, blood pressure decreases, muscles relax, anxiety eases and the mind calms.  Breathing this way also gives people a sense of control over their body and their emotions that is extremely therapeutic,” says Gordon.1

Most of us do not breathe correctly.  Typically our “normal” breathing is shallow. “The result is a vicious cycle, where stress prompts shallow breathing, which in turn creates more stress,” says Gordon.2

Abdominal breathing and pranyama (yoga breathing exercises) are natural, easy ways to increase your energy and feel more relaxed because they accelerate the intake of oxygen.

Abdominal Breathing

Abdominal breathing is done from the depths of the belly, rather than breathing from your chest and nose.  It is a simple method of relaxation that can be done anywhere, at any time.

  1. Sit or lie down with your hands on your stomach.
  2. Inhale slowly through your nose, filling your stomach and then your chest.  Your abdomen should rise as if you’re inflating a balloon.  Allow it to swell and return to normal.  Your chest should move only slightly.
  3. Try to get a rhythm going, counting to 4 on the in-breath and to 8 on the out-breath.
  4. Exhale as slowly as possible through slightly parted lips.
  5. Practice this for about 10 minutes.

Alternate nostril breathing (pranyama)

You’ll notice that one of the nostrils is more open than the other.  Don’t mind this, it’s normal.

  1. Close the right nostril with your thumb.
  2. Breathe in through your left nostril.
  3. Close the left nostril with your third and fourth fingers.
  4. Breathe out through your right nostril.
  5. Close the right nostril with your thumb.
  6. Breathe in through your left nostril.
  7. Repeat the entire sequence and continue for 3-5 minutes.

The effects from these breathing exercises are cumulative, so try to practice them a few minutes each day.  You’ll experience a more settled feeling immediately, and after a week or two you may realize that the mind chatter has quieted down, and that physical tension has diminished too!

  1. Krucoff, Carol. “Doctors Empowering Patients by Promoting Belly Breathing,” Washington Post, June 2000.
  2. Ibid

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