32 Ways to Cope with Grief this Holiday Season

Lots of people are grieving for all kinds of reasons, but it all comes down to loss and loneliness. Loss of a loved one, loss of a friendship, loss of a job, and sheer loneliness as a result of being socially distanced.

Here are some ways to get through the darkest, most dismal holiday season most of us have had to endure.

  1. Take a drive on a country road. Park and out and walk.
  2. If you don’t have a dog, borrow a neighbor’s dog to take on a walk.
  3. Watch a recommended movie or t.v. series that you can get lost in.
  4. Bake cookies or quick breads and distribute them to your neighbors.
  5. If you’ve had a hard time discarding your loved one’s clothes, think about donating them to a homeless shelter, etc.
  6. Start journaling. It’s a wonderful way to express your feelings and get things off your chest.
  7. Write a letter to your loved one and express your love, your sadness, grief, guilt, etc.
  8. Place two chairs facing one another. Sit in one and speak out loud the words you would like to express to your loved one. Tell him or her how much you miss them, or express your anger and guilt, etc.
  9. Watch what you eat. You should definitely enjoy your favorite foods, but don’t use grief as an excuse to overindulge in foods that aren’t good for you.
  10. Splurge on a gift for yourself!
  11. Help out at a shelter or food bank, or make a donation in honor of your loved one.
  12. Don’t overcommit. And don’t over donate. This is so easy to do and lose track of just how much money you are sending an organization, especially if you do it online, which is so easy.
  13. It’s okay to be happy. It’s the holidays! Don’t feel guilty for enjoying yourself. It won’t diminish the love you have in your heart for your loved one.
  14. Read a book that will help identify your feelings and cope more easily with grief. I recommend these two: The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions by Ed.D Zonnebelt-Smeenge, Susan J. R.N. and Robert C. De Vries | Sep 1, 2001. The Secret Life of Grief: A Memoir by Tanja Pajevic, 2016, 2016
  15. Give yourself a massage. Refer to the chapter “Self Massage” in my book “Calmer Waters: The Caregiver’s Journey Through Alzheimer’s and Dementia.”
  16. Use aromatherapy. Citrus oils are generally refreshing and uplifting for the mind and emotions, relieve stress and anxiety.  Consider: bergamot, grapefruit, lemon, and orange. Floral oils are often used as a personal fragrance and are useful to relieve anxiety, depression, and irritability. These oils are useful as an inhaler, in a body lotion, and for the bath. Consider: clary sage, geranium, lavender, rose, and ylang ylang.
  17. Get the sleep that you need.
  18. Make an appointment with a professional therapist if you need help. You can do it virtually from the comfort of your home.
  19. Eat a serving of high-quality protein with every meal and snack
  20. Focus on complex carbohydrates (whole grains, veggies and fruits), and eliminate junk foods (refined carbs).
  21. Enjoy unlimited amounts of fresh veggies.
  22. Eat a good breakfast!
  23. Eat 3 balanced meals and 1-2 snacks/day.
  24. Magnesium, B complex, fish-oil, walnuts, flax seeds, dark leafy greens, and high quality all help reduce stress and uplift mood.
  25. Meditate, light a candle, or find some quiet time for yourself.
  26. Take a multi-vitamin mineral supplement to support your overall health, well-being, and immunity.
  27. Exercise! At least take a short walk every day.
  28. Put on a CD, vinyl record or the radio and listen to your favorite music. Dancing as though no one is watching. There is nothing like music or dance to uplift the spirit.
  29. Put on a funny YouTube video and laugh.
  30. Sing your heart out while listening to your favorite showtunes.
  31. Meet a friend for a chat over coffee. Having a good chat and/or laugh, either via telephone or in person does wonders.
  32. Do the best you can. Try to relax and enjoy your family and friends, even if you can only meet over Zoom.

It’s easy to drown our troubles in alcohol or recreational drugs. Please be safe. Any of the above 32 ways to engage in self-care will do you a whole lot of good. Alcohol and drugs will not.

Be safe, be well, love yourself. Better times are ahead.

Barbra Cohn cared for her husband Morris for 10 years. He passed away from younger-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2010. Afterward, she was compelled to write “Calmer Waters: The Caregiver’s Journey Through Alzheimer’s & Dementia”–winner of the 2018 Book Excellence Award in self-help– in order to help other caregivers feel healthier and happier, have more energy, sleep better, feel more confident, deal with feelings of guilt and grief, and to ultimately experience inner peace. “Calmer Waters” is available at AmazonBarnes & NobleBoulder Book StoreTattered Cover Book Store,  Indie Bound.org, and online at Target and Walmart, and many other fine independent bookstores, as well as public libraries.

How to prevent and ease tension headaches without drugs

There’s been an increase in the incidence of stress headaches, no matter whether you’re a caregiver, someone who’s lost a job or a loved one, a parent juggling virtual school and a job, or dealing with loneliness and pandemic stress.

If you’re concerned that your headache may be a symptom of COVID-19, Dr. Emad Estemalik, director of the headache section at the Cleveland Clinic, said that although respiratory viruses often involve headaches, if a headache is your only symptom, it’s unlikely that it is related to COVID-19. https://www.news5cleveland.com/news/local-news/having-more-headaches-during-the-pandemic-its-not-just-you

On the other hand, “If you suddenly are short of breath or you have a fever out of the blue and you have an excruciating headache, that’s a different story,” he said.

What is a tension headache?

Tension headaches are typically caused by muscle contractions in the head and neck. They can be mild, moderate, or intense pain that you may feel in your head and neck or behind your eyes. Often they feel like a tight band around your head. They can be chronic or episodic, once or twice a month. Women are twice as likely as men to have tension headaches, and according to the Cleveland Clinic, chronic headaches affect approximately three percent of people in the U.S and can last more than 15 days a month.

Common causes of headache

  • Allergies and certain foods including MSG, artificial sweeteners, aged cheese, cured meats, salty foods, chocolate, pickled and fermented foods, frozen foods (i.e brain freeze)
  • Alcohol, caffeine, smoking
  • Depression, stress and anxiety
  • Dehydration
  • Eye strain and dry eyes
  • Emotional stress
  • Peri-menopause and pre-menstrual hormone fluctuations
  • Lack of sleep
  • Poor posture, especially looking down at our devices and at our computers for long stretches of time.
  • Cold, flu, or sinus infections
  • Vertebrae misalignment, especially of the atlas and axis
  • Over exercising
  • Hunger, not eating enough or on time
  • Air pollutants such as nitrogen dioxide, particulate matters from wildfires, and benzene from fracking
  • Change in the weather

Ways to prevent and ease a tension headache

According to the National center for Complementary and Integrative Health, these supplements may help prevent tension headaches:

  • Butterbur
  • Coenzyme CoQ10
  • Feverfew
  • Magnesium
  • Vitamin B-12 (riboflavin)

Yoga postures help by increasing circulation to your head. Remember to breathe. For more information about deep breathing as a stress reliever, including two easy breathing exercises, visit: “Support your lungs with deep breathing exercises” https://barbracohn.com/2020/03/26/support-your-lungs-with-deep-breathing-exercises/

More ways to ease a tension headache

  • Dab some lavender essential oil on your temples. Some people report instant relief.
  • Drink at least 6-8 glasses of water each day.
  • Get plenty of sleep. If you have trouble sleeping read this: https://barbracohn.com/2017/10/25/16-ways-to-sleep-better-so-you-can-be-a-better-caregiver/
  • Exercise regularly and walk outside in fresh air.
  • Get an air purifier to clean the air in your house.
  • Set boundaries for yourself. Don’t take on more than you can handle.
  • Support your emotional well being. Avoid movies that elevate cortisol (stress hormone), avoid family arguments, engage socially on facetime or zoom to avoid loneliness. Take a walk with a neighbor with masks on, etc.
  • Get a massage or chiropractic adjustment.
  • Do something soothing for yourself at least once a day. Listen to some classical, religious or meditative music to uplift your spirit. Take an Epsom salt bath with lavender aromatherapy oil. Take time out to read a book. Keep a gratitude journal. Get a dog or cat.

Please make a telehealth appointment with your doctor if your headaches continue and to rule out other illness.

Barbra Cohn cared for her husband Morris for 10 years. He passed away from younger-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2010. Afterward, she was compelled to write “Calmer Waters: The Caregiver’s Journey Through Alzheimer’s & Dementia”–winner of the 2018 Book Excellence Award in self-help– in order to help other caregivers feel healthier and happier, have more energy, sleep better, feel more confident, deal with feelings of guilt and grief, and to ultimately experience inner peace. “Calmer Waters” is available at AmazonBarnes & NobleBoulder Book StoreTattered Cover Book Store,  Indie Bound.org, and online at Target and Walmart, and many other fine independent bookstores, as well as public libraries.

Delicious and nutritious vegetarian entrees (and a yummy muffin)

For most of us this holiday season is different than any other we’ve experienced in our lifetime. Many people will be alone, and other families will be a tight knit cocoon. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat yourself to a delectable meal.

Here are some of my favorite foods to include in your holiday feast and/or during the cold months of winter.

Entree

Kale Slab Pie (adapted from a recipe by Arthi Subramaniam)  serves 12, but you can divide this in half and freeze a portion.

  • 3 bunches of kale—tear the leaves off the stems, or 2 pounds of Swiss chard
  • 1/3 cup olive oil
  • 2 medium onions, finely chopped
  • 1 bunch scallion, chopped
  • 1/2 cup chopped fresh dill
  • 1/2 cup chopped fresh mint
  • 1 tsp red pepper flakes
  • Freshly ground pepper to taste (divided)
  • 3 cups water
  • 2 cups coarsely ground cornmeal (polenta style)
  • 1 cup feta cheese, crumbled
  • 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
  • 1 cup pomegranate seeds for garnish

Directions

  1. Blanch kale leaves in salted boiled water for about 4 minutes. Transfer wilted greens to a bowl of cold water. Drain and squeeze out moisture. Chop and set aside.
  2. Heat 4 Tbs of olive oil over medium heat in a skillet, add onion. Cook, stirring until tender, about 8 minutes.
  3. Add scallions and cook for another 2 minutes. Stir in kale, dill and mint. Add red pepper flakes, and salt and pepper to taste, and combine well. (I don’t add salt because I think there’s another salt in the cheese.) Remove from heat and let kale mixture cool.
  4. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease a 13-by-9pinch rectangular pan with remaining oil (1 Tbs plus 1 tsp.)
  5. In a medium saucepan, bring water to a boil. Gently and slowly add polenta and 1-2 tsp. of salt. Stir continuously so it doesn’t lump until thick. Spread in the pan, like a crust.
  6. Add feta and mozzarella cheese to kale mixture; lightly combine well. Spread evenly over the polenta crust. Cover the dish with foil, loosely, and bake 30 minutes. Remove foil and bake an additional 15-20 minutes, until top is slightly brown. Remove from oven and allow to sit for 30 minutes. Garnish with the pomegranate seeds. Allow the slab pie to “rest” for about 30 minutes before serving.

Entree

Coconut Curry with Vegetables serves 4

Directions

  1. Heat coconut oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add onion and cook, stirring until softened, about 2 minutes.
  2. Puree coconut milk and ginger until very smooth.
  3. Add coconut milk mixture to skillet and cook, stirring occasionally until sauce has thickened, 7-10 minutes. Add broccoli and carrots or squash about 1/2 way through cooking time.
  4. Add garbanzo beans and cook for a few minutes.
  5. Meanwhile, heat a little coconut oil in a small skillet, add cashews and cook, stirring until fragrant and lightly browned, 2-3 minutes. Immediately transfer to a small bowl.
  6. Fold spinach into the curry mixture and cook about 1 minute until wilted. Divide among 4 bowls. Top with cilantro and cashews. Serve with rice or quinoa.

Entree

Roasted Butternut Squash with Lentils and Feta (by Nik Sharm from the New York Times) serves 2-4.

  • Ingredients for the salad
  • 1/2 cup uncooked black or green lentils (Trader Joe’s has great pre-cooked lentils)
  • 1 3-inch cinnamon stick
  • 4 garlic cloves, peeled and smashed
  • Kosher salt
  • 1 1 pound butternut squash cut into thin slices and roasted.
  • 1 Tbs extra-virgin olive oil
  • 1/2 tsp black pepper
  • 1/4 cup crumbled feta or goat or sheep’s milk cheese
  • 4 scallions, trimmed and thinly sliced
  • 2 Tbs roasted, salted pumpkin seeds
  • For the Dressing
  • 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil or grapeseed oil
  • 2 Tbs pomegranate molasses (substitute with cranberry juice, balsamic vinegar, lemon or lime juice)
  • 1 Tbs honey
  • 1/2 ground cumin, toasted
  • 1/4 tsp ground cayenne

Directions

  1. Heat oven to 400 degrees. Pick any debris from the lentils and rinse under running water. transfer them to a medium saucepan, then add the cinnamon, garlic and 1 tsp salt.
  2. Add enough water to cover everything by 1 inch. Bring the water to a rolling boil over medium-high heat. Reduce to low and let simmer until the lentils are tender but not mushy, about 20 minutes. Drain the lentils, discard the cinnamon and garlic. Transfer the lentils to a large bowl.
  3. While the lentils cook, prepare the squash: trim and discard the top and bottom ends of the squash. Peel the squash, halve it lengthwise, and remove and discard the strings and seeds. Slice the squash crosswise 1/4 inch thick and place the pieces on a baking sheet. Drizzle with 1 Tbs olive oil and season with salt and pepper.
  4. Roast the squash until completely tender, slightly caramelized and golden brown, about 30 minutes. Remove from the oven and let cool for 10 minutes. Once cook, add to the lentils.
  5. While the squash cooks, prepare the dressing: In a small bowl, whisk the olive oil, pomegranate molasses, honey, cumin, cayenne and black pepper. Taste and season to taste with salt.

Best Pumpkin Muffins

  • Ingredients
  • 1 cup almond meal
  • 3/4 cup whole wheat flour or unbleached organic flour
  • 1/4 cup coconut sugar
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 2 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp ground cloves
  • 1/4 tsp nutmeg
  • 2 eggs
  • 15 ounces pumpkin puree
  • 1/2 cup coconut oil, melted
  • 1/3 cup raisins (optional)
  • 1/3 cup walnuts (optional)
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract

Directions

  1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees and place paper liners into the muffin tin.
  2. Measure out the flour, sugar, b aking soda, salt and spices in a medium bowl and whisk together. Set aside.
  3. In a second bowl, whisk together the eggs, pumpkin puree, coconut oil and vanilla extract.
  4. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir together. Don’t over mix. Stir until everything is incorporated into the batter.
  5. Scoop the batter into the muffin wells until nearly full.
  6. Bake for 20-22 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean.

Enjoy your holidays safely. Please don’t gather in groups. Be well, stay well, enjoy peace.

Barbra Cohn cared for her husband Morris for 10 years. He passed away from younger-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2010. Afterward, she was compelled to write “Calmer Waters: The Caregiver’s Journey Through Alzheimer’s & Dementia”–winner of the 2018 Book Excellence Award in self-help– in order to help other caregivers feel healthier and happier, have more energy, sleep better, feel more confident, deal with feelings of guilt and grief, and to ultimately experience inner peace. “Calmer Waters” is available at AmazonBarnes & NobleBoulder Book StoreTattered Cover Book Store,  Indie Bound.org, and online at Target and Walmart, and many other fine independent bookstores, as well as public libraries.

The best gifts for your Alzheimer’s loved one

Instead of worrying about what to give a friend or loved one who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease or dementia consider this. What that person really wants more than anything is to just be with you.

But this holiday season is going to be very different. If your loved one is in a memory care home, you probably won’t be able to visit them. If you can stand outside their window you could play their favorite music on your phone, or if you’re a musician you could sing or play an instrument. Or, eat a favorite dessert together, even if it’s through glass, and it’s not freezing cold.

Here’s a general list of gifts for dementia and Alzheimer’s patients, no matter where they live. Of course, the stage of the disease will determine the gift that is most appropriate.

  • A soft bathrobe or blanket in a color they love
  • A CD with their favorite music
  • A digital photo frame.
  • Non-skid slipper socks.
  • Books in large print or audio books if the person is still able to follow and/or read.
  • Poker chips that can be sorted and counted.
  • Non-toxic modeling clay or PlayDoh
  • Water-based paints, brushes and paper
  • An aquarium, if someone else can take the responsibility to feed the fish
  • A terrarium or beautiful plant
  • Easy puzzles, word search books, etc.
  • Plastic nuts and bolts sets
  • Weighted blanket
  • Doll or stuffed animal

If your loved one lives with you and you are the primary caregiver, here are activities to do together.

  1. People with dementia love ice cream. Share a pint of his or her favorite. Bring the toppings and arrange them on a table in little bowls—sprinkles, chocolate chips, chopped fruit, whipped cream, butterscotch or chocolate sauce, etc.
  2. Watch a comedy together. It doesn’t matter if your loved one can follow the plot or not. If you laugh, he or she will probably join in the merriment. Laughter triggers the production of endorphins; the brain chemicals that reduce the sensation of pain and make you feel good.
  3. Listen to music together. Put on a CD and sing together. Big Band Music is usually a hit with most 70, 80 and 90 year olds. If your loved one is younger, you can try classic rock.
  4. Get out the paint brush, paper and water colors. You don’t have to be an artist or art teacher to have fun with your loved one. Painting and drawing is a great way to share time together, and to even express feelings of frustration, irritation and fear—on paper.
  5. Dance to the music. If your loved one is still mobile help him or her get up and move. The exercise will enhance memories, even if temporarily. A short surge of condensed exercise boosts the compression of memories in both elders in good mental shape as well as those with slight cognitive impairment, according to new research by a team of scientists from UC Irvine’s Center for the Neurobiology of Learning & Memory.http://www.cnlm.uci.edu/ If the person is in a wheel chair, move his or her arms to the rhythm.
  6. Go for a drive and get some fresh air. Just getting out of the house does a body good and uplifts the spirit.
  7. Hold hands, give a foot massage. Use aromatherapy oils (see chapter 18 “Aromatherapy” in The Caregiver’s Journey Through Alzheimer’s and Dementia
  8. Create a book of photos that depict your loved one’s life and share memories without saying “remember when. . .”
  9. Share a special meal together and set the mood with candles and music.
  10. Just breathe together and be still in the silence. It’s the greatest gift of all.

Whatever you do, I wish you and your loved ones a peaceful holiday season. Be safe, wear a mask whenever you leave the house, and please be careful.

Barbra Cohn cared for her husband Morris for 10 years. He passed away from younger-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2010. Afterward, she was compelled to write “Calmer Waters: The Caregiver’s Journey Through Alzheimer’s & Dementia”–winner of the 2018 Book Excellence Award in self-help– in order to help other caregivers feel healthier and happier, have more energy, sleep better, feel more confident, deal with feelings of guilt and grief, and to ultimately experience inner peace. “Calmer Waters” is available at AmazonBarnes & NobleBoulder Book StoreTattered Cover Book Store,  Indie Bound.org, and many other fine independent bookstores, as well as public libraries.