Tag Archives: Meals on Wheels

10 ways to get siblings to help with the care of a parent

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Family caregiver meeting

Today, June 20, is the longest day and for families in the throes of Alzheimer’s, it probably won’t seem any different than most days. Every day that you spend caring for a loved one whose needs are demanding is the “longest day.” In order to reduce the burden on yourself, it’s imperative that you carve out some “me time” each day. You’ve heard it before, but it is worth repeating: You need to take care of yourself, because if you get sick who will take care of your loved one?

Sharing the care

If you’re caring for a parent, have you had a conversation with your siblings about sharing the responsibility? Family dynamics and unresolved issues can make it harder to get everyone to pitch in. And of course, location makes a huge difference. An adult child who lives nearby the parent needing help, typically bears the brunt of the responsibility. In fact, a study done by the National Health and Aging Trends (2011-2017) found that three quarters of older adults reported receiving help from only one child.

In order to avoid resentment, divvy up the tasks.

Here’s how

  1. Have a family meeting. If there already is conflict and disagreement among siblings, find a professional to facilitate the meeting in a neutral place, such as a library meeting room, a church, mosque, temple, or synagogue, etc. If the parent being cared for wants to be included and is cognitively aware, include them.
  2. Introduce the purpose of the meeting and have an agenda. Begin with facts such a “Mom or Dad needs full-time care.” Or, “it’s time to move Mom or Dad to a memory care because she/he needs more care than I can provide.” Or, “Mom or Dad is still able to stay at home, but needs assistance. How can each of us help?”
  3. To clarify the situation, maybe include a doctor or nurse explain the medical issues and forecast what the future will look like.
  4. Next, discuss the care plan. Who can provide hands-on care at home? What kind of financial contribution can everyone provide? If the parent can remain at home, split up the day-to-day tasks such as grocery shopping, meal preparation, rides to the doctor, picking up medications, providing companionship, housecleaning, yard-care, etc.
  5. Acknowledge everyone’s feelings. Individuals will be at different places in their own lives. One sibling may be a new parent. Another may have lost their job. Or a sibling may live thousands of miles away. Or a sibling may be angry at a parent and not want to be involved at all. In these cases, ask gently if there is anything they can do to lighten the load for the others.
  6. If your parents have planned for retirement and were proactive about estate planning, your task will be easier than if they haven’t. Have them help you find the appropriate papers and resources as soon as possible while they are capable. Get the names and contact information for their legal professionals and make sure someone has been designated as power of attorney and durable medical power of attorney. If your parents have not done due diligence in sorting out their affairs and they are still able to, you need to stress the importance of doing so immediately. This is extremely important in the care of a parent. A sibling who is not involved in the hands-on care should be assigned this task.
  7. We’ve all become zoom experts in the past year and a half. Schedule monthly caregiver meetings so everyone stays informed about your parent’s needs. If a new care plan is needed, discuss the details.
  8. Make sure there is a point person for emergencies. Connect the family on “WhatsApp.”
  9. Take advantage of local resource such as Meals on Wheels and adult day programs.
  10. If siblings are unwilling to cooperate or if the situation escalates into an unmanageable situation, seek help. Call your local Area Agency on Aging. For more information, call the Family Caregiver Alliance, 800-445-8106 or visit http://www.caregiver.org and click on Family Care Navigator.

Express appreciation for any help your family is able to provide. Accept your siblings for who they are and understand that not everyone will agree with everyone’s opinion. Sharing the care for parents can either drive a wedge between siblings or bring them closer. Hopefully you’ll be able to communicate like adults and understand each other’s needs during the trying and stressful period that requires parenting our parents.

Barbra Cohn cared for her husband Morris for 10 years. He passed away from younger-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2010. Afterward, she was compelled to write “Calmer Waters: The Caregiver’s Journey Through Alzheimer’s & Dementia”—Winner of the 2018 Book Excellence Award in Self-Help—in order to help other caregivers feel healthier and happier, have more energy, sleep better, feel more confident, deal with feelings of guilt and grief, and to ultimately experience inner peace. “Calmer Waters” is available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Boulder Book Store, Tattered Cover Book Store,  Indie Bound.org, and many other fine independent bookstores, as well as public libraries.

Does dementia increase a person’s risk of getting Coronavirus?

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Elderly woman looking sad out the window.Although dementia in itself doesn’t increase one’s risk, there are other factors that might contribute to a person’s increased risk.

Does the patient have any underlying conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes, auto-immune disease, lung diseases including asthma and COPD, cancer? All of these increase risk of serious symptoms associated with the COVID-19 virus.

If a person with dementia is living at home, s/he may be at increased risk if they forget to wash their hands or socially distance. And, of course, as we are all well aware of, patients in care  facilities are at higher risk simply for the fact they are communally living together. Caregivers come in and out of the facility, go to their homes, and may be interact with others. See Should you move a family member back home from a care facility?

What can you do?

  • If your loved one is living at home and can still read, place sticky notes around the house  (refrigerator, bathroom, kitchen sink) in appropriate places to remind him/her to wash their hands.
  • Call often to check in. Use Zoom or Skype, Facetime, if the person can manage technology. Amazon’s new Portal, which is like a large iPad that is kept plugged in, is an easy device. Check it out: It’s a smart, hands-free video calling device with Alexa built-in.
  • Make sure your loved one has adequate food. If s/he can still prepare meals, drop off their groceries. If they have trouble in the kitchen, bring home-cooked meals or make arrangements with an organization such as Meals on Wheels that can deliver foods.
  • If you have to go inside the person’s home, make sure you have on a mask and gloves, and maintain physical distance as much as possible.
  • A person with dementia is probably not keeping a clean, tidy home, which is important to health and wellness. Try to clean around the person. Have him or her sit in front of the TV or at the kitchen table, while you vacuum and clean the bathroom. Then move him/her to another room in order to clean the kitchen.
  • The main thing is to stay in daily contact. Have the grandkids write notes and draw pictures to send in the mail. If you live in the same town, visit from the lawn and have your loved one sit on the front or back porch.
  • Set up a daily schedule for your loved one. Keep it posted on the fridge. For example: 8:00–wake up, toilet, brush teeth, shower. 8:30 Take meds, eat breakfast. 9:30 Do fitness routine, etc. Do 10 sit-to-stands while watching TV. Walk through the house for 10 minutes a couple times a day.
  • It’s important to protect our loved ones physically but to engage them socially to prevent loneliness and to keep them mentally stimulated. Here’s a great way for seniors whose dementia is minimal.

Well Connected (formerly called Senior Center Without Walls), is a telephone-based national program that offers free weekly activities, education, friendly conversation, classes, support groups, and presentations to individuals 60 years or older anywhere in the United States for English and Spanish speakers. There are activities occurring throughout the day, every day 10:00 am-8:00 pm, Mountain Time, depending on the day. Sessions run between 30 minutes to one hour.

Play a game, write a poem, go on a virtual tour, meditate, share a gratitude, get support, and most importantly, connect and engage with others every day. Well Connected is a community consisting of participants, staff, facilitators, presenters, and other volunteers who care about each other and who value being connected. All groups are accessible by phone and many are accessible online.

Well Connected offers 75 different programs. People can join a particular group, call in the same time each week, hear the same voices on a regular basis and make friends. This has a positive impact on their emotional and physical life. “The gratitude activity, which is offered twice a day, is especially popular and well attended,” says Wade, Social Call director (see below). “Participants share something they are grateful for. This allows for an increase in social connectedness. We also have fun and intellectual programs that help individuals feel valued, stimulated and engaged, and sometimes we invite presenters from the outside in.”

Wade pointed out that Well Connected, is not just for people with mobility concerns. We get folks who are active, people who are married and individuals in a co-housing situation. Anyone can feel lonely, she says. “We take a survey every year and the results indicate that 85% of our participants feel more intellectually stimulated and  socially connected. And on a daily basis, we get calls of gratitude from participants who say, ‘this program saved my live,’” says Wade.

Well Connected also offers a program called Social Call, in which volunteers call participants for a weekly phone visit. For more information, email coviaconnections@covia.org or call 877-797-7299.

Well Connected is an award-winning program of Covia, formerly called Episcopal Senior Communities. For more information: To register call 1-877-797-7299,  https://covia.org/services/well-connected/

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Barbra Cohn cared for her husband Morris for 10 years. He passed away from younger-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2010. Afterward, she was compelled to write “Calmer Waters: The Caregiver’s Journey Through Alzheimer’s & Dementia”—Winner of the 2018 Book Excellence Award in Self-Help—in order to help other caregivers feel healthier and happier, have more energy, sleep better, feel more confident, deal with feelings of guilt and grief, and to ultimately experience inner peace. “Calmer Waters” is available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Boulder Book Store, Tattered Cover Book Store,  Indie Bound.org, and many other fine independent bookstores, as well as public libraries.