Should you move your loved one to a memory care home?

Forgetful senior with dementia

Moving my husband to a memory care home was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I knew that if I didn’t, I’d pay dearly with my own deteriorating health. After caring for Morris for 8 years, I was stressed and diagnosed with a serious disease. When I asked my doctor what he would do in my situation, he paused before saying “You need to take care of yourself.”

Morris was mostly able to take care of his personal hygiene, with some help in the shower, etc. But he wasn’t able to drive, and he needed help getting dressed. He could feed himself if I put the food in front of him. He still enjoyed watching movies, although I’m sure he couldn’t follow the plot. He liked being taken out to lunch, but he couldn’t read a menu. In other words, he needed a lot of help. I didn’t feel that he was a danger to himself or to me, but I didn’t leave him alone in the house for more than a quick trip to the grocery store. However, I was burned out and had received a diagnosis that no one ever wants to hear — the kind that requires a lot of self-care, rest, and good nutrition.

So I was relieved to learn that our spot on the waiting list at my chosen memory care home was towards the top of the list. And I was especially glad, thanks to my therapist’s advice, that I had looked for a place the previous year so that in case of an emergency I didn’t have to frantically scramble to find a home for my husband . . . a place where I felt confident that the caregivers would treat him with kindness, compassion, and respect.

How do you know when it’s time to move someone to a long-term facility?

Of course, every situation is unique, especially since no two dementia patients or families are alike. Some families consist of an elderly couple who live by themselves with no family nearby. A person with dementia may live on their own. Or an older parent may be looked after by an adult child or grandchild who lives nearby or in another state. But in every case, it’s vital to have safety measures in place. That may involve moving the person with dementia into a family member’s home or into a long-term care facility. Families that have several siblings — adult children of the affected parent — share the caring responsibility by having the parent rotate throughout the year, staying with each child for a few months at a time.

Here are some indications of when it’s time to make that move

  • The caregiver is burned out and stress is affecting his/her mental, emotional, and physical health.
  • When it becomes obvious that the person being cared for is unable to take care of their basic needs.
  • S/he wanders off and doesn’t know how to get back home.
  • S/he is isolated, lonely, and depressed.
  • Your loved one is angry and verbally or physically abusive.
  • S/he has mobility issues and tends to fall.
  • The person with dementia has Sundowner’s syndrome and gets agitated at the end of the day. This is a sign that they are becoming unable to live alone.

Making the decision to move a loved one into a memory care home is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make. Just remember that when you’re a caregiver for someone with dementia, it’s important to take care of yourself, too. Because if you don’t and you get sick, then who will take care of you?

Take the advice of my therapist and start looking for a home where your loved one will be well cared for. Or have a family meeting and make a caregiving plan that suits everyone. Here are a couple of other blogs that may be helpful.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Barbra Cohn cared for her husband Morris for 10 years. He passed away from younger-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2010. Afterward, she was compelled to write “Calmer Waters: TheCaregiver’s Journey Through Alzheimer’s & Dementia”—Winner of the 2018 Book Excellence Award in Self-Help—in order to help other caregivers feel healthier and happier, have more energy, sleep better, feel more confident, deal with feelings of guilt and grief, and to ultimately experience inner peace. “Calmer Waters” is available at AmazonBarnes & NobleBoulder Book StoreTattered Cover Book Store,  Indie, and many other fine independent bookstores, as well as public libraries.